Dentistry

I went to the dentist this week. It was as dreadful as you can imagine.

I’m not charting new territory here. Nobody likes going to the dentist. It’s always uncomfortable, often painful, and usually emotionally scarring.

But why? Lot’s of activities suck - going to the DMV, doing your taxes, or standing in line at a pharmacy. What makes dentistry especially soul-crushing?

I’ll tell you. They’re doing the same shit, in the same way, as they were 50 years ago.

Prior to 2025, Americans lived in an optimistic glow of continual progress…things would get better! The march of civilization goes on! Science, inventors, and researchers would chart our brave new future with innovations and creative solutions to society’s problems.

Not dentistry. This droll profession is where the march of progress goes to die, where the old ways linger, archaic tools proliferate, and outdated procedures still flourish.

For example, let’s consider the tools of the dentist. If you took a set of dental instruments back to 15-century Europe, members of the Spanish Inquisition would have squealed with glee and immediately put them to use.

Who came up with these? Is the best we can really do?

First there is the pokey thing. Then another pokey thing on the flip side. In fact, I think there are about two-dozen flavors of pokey, needle sharp widgets that dentists seem to think all differ, and they all get jammed into your gums like a tetanus shot.

There is the polisher device, where they apply some sort of cement aggregate to your teeth for reasons I don’t actually understand. It’s essentially a miniaturized floor buffer or some second cousin to a car wash flapper.

Let’s not forget pliers for removing teeth.

Seriously…pliers.

“But wait,” says some wayward dentist in the back, “What about my fancy ultrasonic scaler? That’s new…”

Please. I’ve been on this earth for over 50 years, and those migraine-inducing screamers have been around for nearly as long. Plus, when those are applied you get the added bonus of a vacuum cleaner stuck in your mouth to catch all the excess moisture from your waterboarding.

Even the computers at my dentist office are ancient. This week at my appointment the dental hygienist was taking notes on a program running on Windows 95. But they at least were computerized. A couple of years ago when my daughter had braces, her orthodontist kept records on 3×5 notecards!

X-rays? Still? The rest of the medical world has about 6 dozen new imaging technologies. But at the dentist I still have to wear a radiation suit that would give Godzilla second thought.

And don’t get me started on the idiocy of dental floss. String? Really? If a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, an auto-mechanic, or a plumber told me that a piece of string was crucial to the success of their professional services, I’d laugh in their face.

But no. With my dentist, I get a lecture every six months for my insufficient string utilization.

What is it with this profession and its relative stagnation?

When can I drink some high-tech mouthwash to adequately clean my teeth? Where are my nanobots that crawl through my mouth, surgically removing plaque? How about some laser beams that polish my pearly whites, or AI-enabled toothbrushes? Some digital scanners? Bio-engineered probiotic teeth-cleaning bubble-gum? Robo-floss?

Anything?

Oh, I get some plastic sunglasses to reduce the glare in my eyes?

Great. Thanks a bunch.

Farewell photo

A little slice of life, until next time…

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Disclaimer:

All content and opinions are solely those of the author (Jack), and not representative of my employer, former employers, clients, anyone in Congress, my family, former college roommates, Baptists, the good citizens of Colorado, or my dog Mabel.