The Fauna/Fun Index (VINTAGE DISPATCHES)

This week, a “Vintage Dispatch”, originally published January 4, 2024.

Or in other words, a “rerun.”

With the 4th of July comes lots of travel, and I thought I would share again this post on our scientific tool to evaluate if you are truly traveling to the best and most exotic locales!

I will be among the Buffalo in “Zone 2”….you’ll learn more soon! :-)

Safe and happy travels, and don’t blow up our country like the Supreme Court…

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Welcome to January, when the claws of winter start to dig in and you’re faced with 2+ more months of clouds, rain, cold, and snow.  The mind wanders and begins to fantasize about vacations to come – Spring Break, summer camping, the beach, mountain meadows, the cabin, or the lake.

You start to plan your next holiday, hoping the very idea of an exotic location keeps your sanity in check and gives you something to look forward to…

Vacation planning.  The annual drama of deciding where to go on holiday.

“But Jack…,” you ask.  “How do I pick a cool destination?  How can I ensure the ‘wow’ factor and visit only the best places, where my joy will be maximized?”

Good question, noble reader!  You are in luck!

One thing the Cognitive Dissonance Dispatch hopes to provide is tools, resources, and workarounds to life’s many conundrums such as this. We are committed - dare I say, obligated - to provide you with life hacks and unwarranted advice.

To that end, I present the Fauna/Fun Index^TM .  It’s the ideal job aid for selecting your next holiday destination.  Scientifically proven, reliably tested, and banned in Florida - the Index gives you the confidence to book that AirBnB with swagger and cash in your airline miles like a bandit.

Here’s how it works…carefully crafted from biological, ecological, conservation, and psychological frameworks, the Index adapts the concept of Indicator Species for your travel diagnostics.

As a refresher, an Indicator Species is a plant, animal, or other organism that - when present - serves as a proxy for the overall health of a particular ecosystem. A classic example here in the Northwest is the Spotted Owl. Because they require old growth forests and vast, relatively undisturbed wilderness areas to flourish, their presence (or absence) gives scientists a valuable barometer of the health of that area.

Applying this concept to your leisure travel (because, why not?), we postulate that certain animals can also be signifiers of an awesome location to get your next tan! Consider - you are on vacation and you spot a happy little rabbit. Nice, but not super exotic or interesting. You can see a rabbit just about anywhere.

Now, on your next vacation you see a humpback whale! Wow! That’s amazing. Consider where you must be to experience that - likely Hawaii, Alaska, or other grand, beachy-type locales. Now we’re living’ life!

And that’s how the Index works. You simply map the local fauna to your proposed travel spot and assess. The more exotic the animal, the more fun!

Click on the Index below to open it up, and consider your next travel destination:

As you can see, we have classified vacation locales into three tiers. The first - ‘Meh’ - indicates areas that might suffice for a short weekend trip or overnight jaunt. Maybe. I mean, deer and ducks are pretty normal, right? If that’s the most exotic wildlife out your window…well, our condolences.

But say you are vacationing and an Elk rambles by or Bald Eagles chirp overhead? Now you’re probably located somewhere special - maybe the mountains or a lakeside cabin. Zone 2 is core vacation country, where memories are made and repeat visits are planned.

But Zone 3…this is the big time. Here the fauna stops traffic and commands picture taking - wolves, whales, and endangered species. The Fun rating scales up logarithmically, the locations get more exotic, and you know that in years hence you will remember this location with awe.

Simple, right? To plan your vacation with confidence, just research the critters in the vicinity of each destination, fine tune your budget, and let the fun commence!

Feel free to print the Index out as a handy reference, and be sure to send us your feedback so we can further refine!

Caveats and Cautions - our legal department has directed us to disclose the following:

• Fun rankings are subject to your mood, personality, and general outlook on life.  In other words, if you’re a curmudgeon, it’s on you.

• This version of the Index only applies to North American destinations. African, European, and for damn sure Australian locales will require separate modules, calibrated to local fauna.

• Not to be used for urban locations, obviously. If you are planning a trip to New York City, New Orleans, or Chicago – the efficacy and predictive value of the Index falters significantly (Fauna in Zoos don’t count).

• Statistically unreliable in situations involving family reunions, graduations, weddings, or anything resembling Las Vegas.  You’re on your own there, bucko.

• Does not apply to Spokane, Washington. For some reason there is a large population of Marmots in downtown Spokane - we don’t know why. As the Index notes, Marmots are a highly rated, Zone 3 species. But by no means does the CD Dispatch endorse Spokane for vacations.

Haiku Book Review!

What to read, torturing authors and poets alike:

Paved Paradise: How Parking Explains the World, by Henry Grabar (Penguin Press, 2023)

Parting Proclaimation

Words, witticisms, and wisdom.

Farewell photo

A little slice of life, until next time…

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Why should you have all the fun?

No, seriously. Who do you think you are? Selfish bastard…

Disclaimer:

All content and opinions are solely those of the author (Jack), and not representative of my employer, former employers, anyone in Congress, my family, former college roommates, Baptists, the good citizens of Oregon, or my dog Mabel.