Cylons, Sleestak, and Stormtroopers

Growing up in the 70’s was trippy, to say the least.

We had the most bizarre cultural entertainments - just wrap your mind around this list:

• Sanford and Son

• Alien

• The Muppets

• Blazing Saddles

• Sigmund and the Sea Monster

• The Electric Company

• Mork & Mindy

• Apocalypse Now

I could go on and on. It’s no wonder that many of us Gen X folks are slightly twisted, jaded, sarcastic, and a little crazy. And I haven’t even gotten to music (Stadium Rock, Funk, Punk, Disco), politics (Richard Nixon to Jimmy Carter) and consumer culture (Jarts, Jorts, Jello, Big Wheels, and Station Wagons).

But one particular vein of pop culture branded into my psyche…

The bad guys. The villains. The foot-soldiers that haunt me to this day…

Of course, I am talking about the Sleestak.

I don’t know what kind of drugs Sid and Marty Krofft were on when they invented these creatures, part of the Land of the Lost TV series. But good god that show seared me for life. I distinctly remember being frightened out of my wits whenever Marshall, Will, and Holly drifted into a cave, figuring out how to de-code some crystals or something while - all the while - we knew that green, horny terror with fingernail mittens lurked in the shadows…

Not to be outdone, George Lucas introduced us to another brand of enemy in 1976 with Star Wars and the Stormtrooper. Now mostly derided as canon fodder, at the time I was obsessed with these armored goons:

Let’s be honest - Stormtroopers look friggin’ cool. The polished white armor, the black rifle, and those expressionless helmets that both convey menace and silliness. Even though they are basically Nazi stand-ins, we all cos-played the Stormtrooper at some time.

Star Wars triggered numerous spinoffs, knock-offs, and bad intellectual property. And one of the best was Battlestar Galactica. A truly epic TV series, frying the circuits of the brain of this 8 year old when it came out:

“Wait? They are tying to get to to Earth!?!”

Seriously wild stuff. And of course, Battlestar Galactica had to have its own version of the Stormtrooper, the Cylon:

That chrome! That pulsating red light/eyeball thingy. The lumbering, oddly slow way they walk! I enthralled with these creations.

But as great an aesthetic as the Cylon’s threw down visually, the audio-scape was next level. Whoever created the sound design of this show deserves an Emmy. Just take a moment to watch this video, but pay attention to the sounds:

Those Cylon voices! That deep, resonating electric base. It was like Space Alien Barry White! Recall the ever-present pulsating background hum, and of course, the iconic “By your command!” response. Those colonial Vipers never stood a chance…

Many a childhood argument was centered on who would kick each other’s ass - Stormtroopers or Cylons?

*************

But here’s the thing...

These iconic infantry archetypes - Sleestak, Stormtroopers, and Cylons - sucked at their jobs. They were bungling, slow, stupid, and inept. As soldiers they were ineffective, as monsters they never caught their prey. Stormtroopers are notoriously bad shots and easily fooled. I mean, the Ewoks kicked their ass. Sleestak just hiss and move about as fast as a turtle, and Cylons - while looking and sounding cool - just suck at everything except flying.

My childhood villains were pokey and lame.

And what did that teach us?

Am I now pre-wired to assume that the forces of evil and our enemies are doofuses? That with minimal effort, a slight counter-punch, some sleight of hand or a quick feint - I can mostly evade and conquer the legions of doom? That those bozos - while sometimes dangerous - are thin-skinned and worthy of contempt.

That intrinsically, the good guys are faster, smarter, greater in numbers, and destined to win?

That would be nice.

Lyrical Truth Bomb

When musicians say what needs to be said:

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Disclaimer:

All content and opinions are solely those of the author (Jack), and not representative of my employer, former employers, anyone in Congress, my family, former college roommates, Baptists, the good citizens of Colorado, or my dog Mabel.