The worst machine in the world

Let me introduce you to the Coca-Cola “Freestyle.” Maybe you have encountered this beast? Often found in airport lounges, unsuspecting convenience stores, the odd restaurant, and more:

I can attest that these machines are among the worst inventions ever foisted on the American People. (We must assume they are limited to America, as any other self-respecting civilization would burn these at the shoreline immediately upon arrival.)

The Freestyle contraption promises “A WORLD OF CHOICE. With the world of Coca-Cola at your fingertips, Coca-Cola Freestyle gives you the freedom to explore, pour, and enjoy your perfect drinks.”

Bull. Avoid these red beacons of insanity at all costs. They embody the worst kind of C-minus MBA product marketing project that passes for ‘innovation’ in today’s economy. They solve a problem nobody cared about, they actively make life miserable for users, and they simply don’t work very well.

I am connoisseur of cola. I drink way too much…they provide my system with caffeine on a hourly basis. (I don’t really drink coffee.) I am a power-user of soda stations. So I speak from experience in this regard.

Let us explore the ways ‘Coca-Cola Freestyle’ brings misery to our daily existence…

Start with the user interface. You walk up to a touchscreen that presents too many options and too little intuitive guidance. You start pecking away at the screen, jabbing various drink logos in the hope that you can generate a cup. But then you have to decipher 2,934 different fruit and/or flavor options for each drink, and dodge past that before dispensing your liquid.

THEN, with some guesswork, you realize that Touchscreen time is over, and now you have to push your cup against the lever to release a few orphan ice cubes and the soda. It’s a leap too far for many. I have stood in line multiple times behind a poor lost soul who is pushing the Cherry Coke icon with angry vigor as nothing comes out, not realizing the silver bar must now be depressed for anything to happen.

(Fun note - there is an actual cost to this customization and confusion, in terms of longer customer cycle-times. In other words, confused customers spend a lot more time wrestling with the Freestyle experience than normal, and thus retailers lose business because of slower customer turnover. Business case studies have been written on it.)

And let’s talk about that silver lever. It’s a digital control with no physical reaction time. You press your cup against it, some sort of signal gets passed through the machine’s circuitry, and then perhaps a signal returns telling the dispenser to release the soda. There is a ½ second gap between action and reaction - just enough time for you to doubt yourself, pull your cup back slightly, and curse loudly as ice cubes bounce across the floor.

The design suffers further by not providing enough room for a water bottle (because, dear reader, 85% of users of this contraption are simply trying to get water) or any kind of mug, thermos, or other container. The nozzle itself also is misshaped in a way that ice and tends to get funneled out at warp speed, inevitably bouncing out of your cup and ricocheting across the room.

It’s the worst of both worlds - digital misalignment combined with bad physical design - you are guaranteed to have splashback city - spillage and misfires - soda concentrate flying over your hand, and a half full cup of dubious contents.

What’s worse - after you have navigated the control system, contorted your body and drinking vessel to properly receive the machine’s bounty, and avoided slipping on the now wet floor - your drink tastes like crap.

A fountain soda machine has three jobs. Dispense ice, dispense carbonated water, and dispense flavored concentrate in a proper proportion to yield a tasty cola. Freestyle fails all three. Again, I blame the digital setup, where the water/concentrate ratio gets contorted in a way that all but eliminates any semblance of quality control. Watch carefully the next time you use one of these - when pouring out the liquid, the machine’s programming stops applying concentrate a few seconds before your release the lever, adding excess water and diluting your drink.

Congratulations. You now can enjoy the worst cola sludge as you look for a towel to clean yourself off.

But the real crime here is the concept itself. What problem is this machine trying to solve? Did consumers really ask for the ability to mix up to 126 different flavor combinations for a friggin’ soda? Was the demand there?

I think not. It’s an indication of a brand that is out of ideas and starts to rely on selling the periphery elements rather than the core product. A classic case of lazy business thinking and idea-free marketing that passes off for innovation today. Provide extraneous options, bloatware, and cheap experiences in lieu of an actual product! Wave your hands, put on a show, and hope the customer doesn’t realize that you’ve actually downgraded the product.

And of course, Freestyle seems to be a cash cow for Coca-Cola. These devices cost upwards of $20,000, and that’s not including the ingredient cartridges, flavor packages, and other subscription fees that I am sure retailers get charged.

A standard fountain soda machine, like the one pictured below, costs around $5,000 and probably has 10% of the ongoing operating costs.

So let’s recap the attributes of the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine:

• It presents an infinite number of choices that nobody asked for.

• It’s more expensive.

• It slows down customers getting what they want.

• It’s complicated to use.

• It creates a mess.

• It delivers a terrible tasting product.

• And I can’t prove this, but I’m sure it is bad for the environment in some obscure way…

Sound familiar? How many other products of our consumer oriented society generate a similar, life-draining experience? What other marketing committees are foisting ‘valued-added consumer choice’ enhancements like this on our daily lives? Everywhere you look, feature complexity and excessive options proliferate - while the core function, the actual product gets downgraded and buried.

As a symbol of late-stage capitalism, and all the hollowness implied, I can’t think of a more apt example.

Give this cranky old man a more simple, time-tested classic - analog, mechanical, simple, and effective:

Parting Proclamation

Words, wit, and wisdom.

Enjoying The CD Dispatch?

Please share, forward, retweet, repost, like, publish, proselytize, subscribe, praise, promote, and generally make it clear to your friends and colleagues that life is simply not worth living unless you’re a subscriber.

Why should you have all the fun?

No, seriously. Who do you think you are? Selfish bastard…

Disclaimer:

All content and opinions are solely those of the author (Jack), and not representative of my employer, former employers, clients, anyone in Congress, my family, former college roommates, Baptists, the good citizens of Colorado, or my dog Mabel.